Angry Dad JT

The moniker “Angry Dad” is both a reminder and a self-effacing joke — if we can’t laugh at ourselves we’re missing some of the best comedic material out there, and nobody can use a good laugh as much as a special needs parent. 

The reminder part is a bit more complicated.  Whenever a new challenge seems overwhelming, I find it helpful (albeit somewhat painful) to remember how challenging everything seemed in that first year.  More specifically, I find it helpful to remember that our world was undeniably changed, the mix of negative emotions was immense, nothing was as expected, yet, we made it to a point where a situation we’d never considered now seems normal.

I gues it’s a reminder that “normal” isn’t all that normal of a concept.

It’s also a bit of self-admonishment.  Though I believe that the early negativity was natural and unsurprising, it really didn’t help.  No amount of rage or self-pity could change the fact that my daughter was born with 47 chromosomes, and dwelling on the unhealthy or unchangeable takes up valuable time and energy.  When the latest frustration tempts me to indulge in some useless anger, I find it helpful for my inner voice to say, “Hey Angry Dad…your daughter may have Down Syndrome, but she’s acting a lot smarter than you right now.”

Research shows that the physiological source of any given emotion only lasts five seconds.  After that we have to choose whether to end or prolong that emotion.  So, when something triggers that useless rage and I feel my emotions heading the wrong direction, that voice addresses “Angry Dad” directly and helps me make the right choice.

So, it’s the old joke of the biggest guy on the football team having a nickname of “Tiny.”  Or “Curly,” everyone’s favorite bald stooge.  My daughter has special needs, and I can’t provide for them if I waste my time and energy being angry.  What better reminder than to name myself something I can’t be?

I have no idea whether this idea resonates with anyone else.  After a lot of internal debate I’ve decided to share nearly two years of journaling on this and related topics, so I suppose I’m assuming that there are others whose experiences are similar to mine and would take some comfort in knowing they aren’t alone.  Perhaps there are other dads out there who grapple with how to put their frustrations and solutions into words.  I chose to use “Angry Dad JT” to personalize my nickname, and if you like the concept, I’d be quite happy to see you adopt it yourself.